Just writing...

I'm not sure what I'll write. I just want to write something.

This semester is whizzing by so fast. I can not believe that a year ago I walked into Ms. Anthony's class, the first of the day, on my first day. A year ago that morning my dad was laying in the ER at Cox, after being LifeLined by St. John's, fighting for his life. I made a quick trip to the hospital to see him before I bee-lined it to campus. The parking, well that was so intimidating that I ended up crying and parking at least three blocks away. On the way to class my wheel fell off my backpack and I walked in 5 minutes late. Every semester for me has been a triumph. Along with every semester, there has been an accompanying tragedy or a large trial, to say the least. The Fall semester, I lost my Grandma.

I won't give up! I'm going to make it through! Some days I feel like I'm clawing to keep hold but I'm going to hold on. I'm now adding to my jumble of school, home and kids, a job. I'm excited to be starting soon. Wonder what other changes are to come????

Giving up...

As I look around, my class that started out with not an empty seat in the room is slowly dwindling. The teacher announced that seven have already dropped and he hasn't given the first test yet. Wow!

I dropped a couple classes myself this semester. They were computer classes that I signed up for when I thought I was going to change my major. They were also online and for some reason beyond me I decided to drop both of them. I think that my heart knew before my head that it wasn't what I wanted because I vaguely remember dropping them. I do remember the, "Oh crap, I just dropped the class." comment coming off my lips after I had done it.

I now am back on track. I have eliminated "Giving up" from my vocabulary. I will study for College Algebra and I will learn it. I will stay in the CIS 101 class for the simple reason that I might learn something and because I don't have the extra cash to test out of it.

I was having a bad day a few weeks ago and a friend of mine from high school sent me a poem that I had sent her when she was in basic training. It goes like this...

Don’t Quit ...

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts too high
When you want to smile,
But you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must,
But don’t quit.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured
The victorious cup
And he learned too late when
Night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out.
So stick to the fight
When you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst
You mustn’t quit.

It came at a time when I was ready to quit, to just give up. She had some kind words about how it had inspired her when she was ready to quit and had made her keep going. That's what it did for me, also.

So, even though some things in my life are chaning, I'm not quitting. I have many years in front of me but I'm not going to focus on those right now. Right now, I'm taking life one day at a time. I'm going to enjoy the path I have chosen and if it gets rocky then I'll push on through and I'll be a better person for it in the end.

As I lay in bed last night, like many other nights, I thought of all that I need to accomplish. My list is long. Here are a few...

I want to lose two sizes before my birthday in April!

I need to start studying for my test in Political Science and Algebra and not wait until the last minute.

I need to start looking a lot harder for a job.

I need to spend a few more hours of the day with the boys.

I need to blog more and Facebook less.

I need to focus better on what I am working towards.

I need to be preparing all the things to turn in for my application into the OTC Nursing program that are due the first of April.

I need to set a budget up, so that I know where I stand when I find a job.

I need to clean the shed when it warms up so that I may bring all my oodles and oodles of Barbies that are left at my Grandma's house.

I need to work on those quilt blocks that I put away.

I need to layout a game plan for my 4-H Wildlife project kiddos.


These are just a few of the many things that rattled around last night in the dark.

Hopefully, in the next few weeks I can knock some of these off my list!

Happy studying fellow students!

New Semester, New Trials

Here we are a week into the new semester. Wow, it's been a ride already. I started out with 5 classes. I had 3 seated and 2 web courses. I dropped to one web course yesterday. It's hard getting into the swing of the web class.

Today, I'm trying my hardest to study. I have a million things on my mind. None of which involve what I'm trying to study. Then, every 10-15 minutes Paden is calling me to help him on his new laptop that he got for Christmas. He was trying to play games on the Disney website but I have now made him quit and play the Jumpstart games that he knows how to use.

My mind rambles here and there. It's hard to focus today. My heart is not into it and I know that I will eventually give up and go find something else to occupy my time for a while. It's even harder when I know that tomorrow will be spent with Colton at a Shooting Sports Safety meeting.

I keep worrying about finding a job. I need one really bad and I keep hoping for a call for an interview soon. A part of me, though, is trepidatious about finding a job. Once I am employeed then life as I know it will change. Not only will I have to adjust all of my classes but I will become a single mom. How scary is that?

Well, enough goofing off. Time to hit the books.

As I sit here, the tears running down my cheeks can be compared to the rain rolling down the windows. A chapter of my life is drawing to a close and the fear of the unknown is creeping in around me. I know that I can not go through what I am much longer and I am desperately searching for a solution and a way out of this hole that I have fell head first into.

A discussion among my study group last night about marriages and how they should be and what makes a happy marriage left me so broken. The words, "I look around and I see these unhappy people. Why don't they just get out?" echoes and rattles around in my head.

Getting out is where I'm headed. Getting there is wearing me down. I cry all the time now. I can't seem to organize anything and my focus is never where it should be.

A friend asks me all the time if I'm okay. I lie and tell them I am but inside I'm dieing and I know I'm not okay but because I don't feel that I should burden them with my problems, I say I'm fine. I'm sure if they could actually see me when they ask they would know I'm not okay but if I keep them at a distance I can keep them from seeing.

I never even made it home last night and the fighting started. We stayed late at study session because we got to discussing marriages and personal life and when I called to say I was heading home the accusations started. Earlier, when I left Applebee's from having dinner I was questioned why I was still there and just leaving. I can not live inside those conditions. When the trust is gone, so is the marriage. I lived for 12 years and never accused him of having anything and it would have been so easy for him because he was everywhere.

Little things over time have made a mountain. A mountain that has grown and divided us. At one time, I would have climbed the mountain. Now, I look at it, walk away, then look back for any signs. All I can see is hurt and I push farther on. The forest is looming before me and I cringe at the unknown. Somewhere in the midst of all those trees lies a meadow. If I can just reach it, I will feel it envelope me and then and only then will I be able to rest and finally feel at home.

Life...

Sometimes we are given second chances. I believe the Lord does this so that we may correct the mistakes we made previously and get us back on track. But, what if the correction makes another mistake, or maybe not so much as a mistake but hurt and sorrow.

I am at a place in my life, currently, that a correction stands before me. Do I try to correct what is wrong or do I continue to plod on down the course that I had previously chosen. I wish that the "right-or-wrong" was more black and white than what it appears. More lives and more feelings than just my own will be hurt.

I want to be me. Me, who is she? Well, I used to know. A friend told me the other night, "Gina, that's not like you." Gosh, what do you say to that? I used to be strong, confident and full of life. Now...not so much. EXCEPT, when I am in class. When I hit the campus, I am the girl I used to be. I had a teacher tell me the other night, "You are gonna make one hell of a nurse. You're confident in your answers and you work on the problem until you figure it out. You just have that confidence about you." That was a great compliment.

The last week has been one of inner turmoil. I've recaptured a part of me that was gone. I can only compare how I'm feeling to watch a flower blooming. Ever so slowly, I'm opening back up. There is sunshine in my life again, if only for a moment. A piece that seems to be the one I've been missing is peaking out. Maybe, just maybe, I will be complete...someday.

I want...

This post comes from a combination of things. Yesterday, I was reading the student website set up by Ms. A. (Yes, I know I'm not in her class this semester but she has such an impact on my life that I like to go see what she has her new batch of students up to.) Since not many had posted on her comments section, I decided to post. (I'm sure I wasn't supposed to but I felt like helping out.) She had talked about "listing". Her listing was post comments and start with, "I believe..." to which I replied...

I believe…

in love at first sight.

that love is worth climbing out on a limb for.

that true love never ends.

that God give us second chances to change the mistake we made the first time.

that true friends are like the seasons, they may go away for awhile but they always come back when its time.

I also got a horoscope yesterday. (No, I do not believe in these things but it was extremely uncanny that it came when so much is going on in my life and it parallelled it.) So sometime around 3 or 4 this morning I woke up and started thinking about the last part which read, "what truly matters to you in love." So here I go.

I want...

someone that loves me unconditionally.

someone that when I'm watching a "sappy, chick flick" will put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.

someone that will slow dance with me in the kitchen.

someone that doesn't tell me to shutup when I sing with the radio.

someone to walk with in the evening and listen to the whippoorwills, crickets and frogs.

someone that picks a bouquet of wildflowers, "just because".

someone that can't sleep in the middle of the night because they realize I'm not beside them.

someone that takes the time to come see me when I have to stay in hospital for three days and doesn't call for a 25 minute conversation because they are working in Branson and it's too far to drive.

someone to cook with me and occassionally for me.

someone that knows me inside and out.

someone that doesn't have to have the tv on the minute he hits the door or wakes up and that pays more attention to what I have to say than to it.

someone that believes long, deep kisses are for more times than just when you're in the mood.

someone that shoulders as much responsibility as me.

someone that says, "I'm sorry" when he's wrong.

someone that doesn't always have to be right and doesn't go out of his way to prove me wrong, even if I am.

someone to take care of me on the rare occassion that I get sick.

someone to make me feel safe.

someone that believes in give and take.

someone that doesn't feel the need to guilt you into a decision.

someone that makes me laugh.

someone that doesn't pretend to be something they are not.

These are the things that I would look for. They are mostly little, sentimental things but the little things,those silly, trivial, little things, fill in the voids the big pieces can't cover. I'm sure to some these may seem stupid and trivial but this is what I think. These are my things and yours may be different, but that is when you need to know if your things and their things make a whole instead of just a bunch of pieces. I have came to realize that if your pieces don't fit, then you're just like an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle. You may have some pieces that join but in the end you still don't go together and become complete.