Friday, September 18, 2009


Sometimes we are given second chances. I believe the Lord does this so that we may correct the mistakes we made previously and get us back on track. But, what if the correction makes another mistake, or maybe not so much as a mistake but hurt and sorrow.

I am at a place in my life, currently, that a correction stands before me. Do I try to correct what is wrong or do I continue to plod on down the course that I had previously chosen. I wish that the "right-or-wrong" was more black and white than what it appears. More lives and more feelings than just my own will be hurt.

I want to be me. Me, who is she? Well, I used to know. A friend told me the other night, "Gina, that's not like you." Gosh, what do you say to that? I used to be strong, confident and full of life. Now...not so much. EXCEPT, when I am in class. When I hit the campus, I am the girl I used to be. I had a teacher tell me the other night, "You are gonna make one hell of a nurse. You're confident in your answers and you work on the problem until you figure it out. You just have that confidence about you." That was a great compliment.

The last week has been one of inner turmoil. I've recaptured a part of me that was gone. I can only compare how I'm feeling to watch a flower blooming. Ever so slowly, I'm opening back up. There is sunshine in my life again, if only for a moment. A piece that seems to be the one I've been missing is peaking out. Maybe, just maybe, I will be complete...someday.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I want...

This post comes from a combination of things. Yesterday, I was reading the student website set up by Ms. A. (Yes, I know I'm not in her class this semester but she has such an impact on my life that I like to go see what she has her new batch of students up to.) Since not many had posted on her comments section, I decided to post. (I'm sure I wasn't supposed to but I felt like helping out.) She had talked about "listing". Her listing was post comments and start with, "I believe..." to which I replied...

I believe…

in love at first sight.

that love is worth climbing out on a limb for.

that true love never ends.

that God give us second chances to change the mistake we made the first time.

that true friends are like the seasons, they may go away for awhile but they always come back when its time.

I also got a horoscope yesterday. (No, I do not believe in these things but it was extremely uncanny that it came when so much is going on in my life and it parallelled it.) So sometime around 3 or 4 this morning I woke up and started thinking about the last part which read, "what truly matters to you in love." So here I go.

I want...

someone that loves me unconditionally.

someone that when I'm watching a "sappy, chick flick" will put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.

someone that will slow dance with me in the kitchen.

someone that doesn't tell me to shutup when I sing with the radio.

someone to walk with in the evening and listen to the whippoorwills, crickets and frogs.

someone that picks a bouquet of wildflowers, "just because".

someone that can't sleep in the middle of the night because they realize I'm not beside them.

someone that takes the time to come see me when I have to stay in hospital for three days and doesn't call for a 25 minute conversation because they are working in Branson and it's too far to drive.

someone to cook with me and occassionally for me.

someone that knows me inside and out.

someone that doesn't have to have the tv on the minute he hits the door or wakes up and that pays more attention to what I have to say than to it.

someone that believes long, deep kisses are for more times than just when you're in the mood.

someone that shoulders as much responsibility as me.

someone that says, "I'm sorry" when he's wrong.

someone that doesn't always have to be right and doesn't go out of his way to prove me wrong, even if I am.

someone to take care of me on the rare occassion that I get sick.

someone to make me feel safe.

someone that believes in give and take.

someone that doesn't feel the need to guilt you into a decision.

someone that makes me laugh.

someone that doesn't pretend to be something they are not.

These are the things that I would look for. They are mostly little, sentimental things but the little things,those silly, trivial, little things, fill in the voids the big pieces can't cover. I'm sure to some these may seem stupid and trivial but this is what I think. These are my things and yours may be different, but that is when you need to know if your things and their things make a whole instead of just a bunch of pieces. I have came to realize that if your pieces don't fit, then you're just like an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle. You may have some pieces that join but in the end you still don't go together and become complete.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Friends, apologies and life

Who knew that an apology would lead to so many confessions that should have came out years ago?

I have been in such a turmoil for two days. My heart feels broken; shattered in a million pieces. My brain has been collectively going through files and digging pieces of this and that out constantly until my head feels like it has swelled and is on the point of explosion. And my eyes, so many tears have fell in two days time that they feel like sandpaper. I'm not sure I could muster a smidgeon of fluid from them if I had to.

"What-could-have-been" is four words that I'm not sure I will ever hear and be able to get past again. "I wish you would have." will echo in the hollow corners of my brain for days and months. I know that, eventually, the conversation that I shared with a friend will fade but I also know that in my heart he will always be one of the most special people that I have ever known.

One reaction from me could have changed my whole life path but better communication between the two of us could have changed both of ours. Now, as I sit here writing, I realize how important it is that you should share your feelings about someone with them instead of keeping them to yourself. Yeah, you may get hurt but knowing now what I know, I wish I would have taken that chance. To borrow a quote from a friends Facebook page, "True love doesn't have a happy ending because true love never ends."
God has a plan for each of us. He brings people into our lives and he takes them away. I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that will support me even when I have so many negative people that don't and I am fortunate that he brought a true friend back into my life again.