Here we are a week into the new semester. Wow, it's been a ride already. I started out with 5 classes. I had 3 seated and 2 web courses. I dropped to one web course yesterday. It's hard getting into the swing of the web class.
Today, I'm trying my hardest to study. I have a million things on my mind. None of which involve what I'm trying to study. Then, every 10-15 minutes Paden is calling me to help him on his new laptop that he got for Christmas. He was trying to play games on the Disney website but I have now made him quit and play the Jumpstart games that he knows how to use.
My mind rambles here and there. It's hard to focus today. My heart is not into it and I know that I will eventually give up and go find something else to occupy my time for a while. It's even harder when I know that tomorrow will be spent with Colton at a Shooting Sports Safety meeting.
I keep worrying about finding a job. I need one really bad and I keep hoping for a call for an interview soon. A part of me, though, is trepidatious about finding a job. Once I am employeed then life as I know it will change. Not only will I have to adjust all of my classes but I will become a single mom. How scary is that?
Well, enough goofing off. Time to hit the books.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thursday, October 22, 2009
As I sit here, the tears running down my cheeks can be compared to the rain rolling down the windows. A chapter of my life is drawing to a close and the fear of the unknown is creeping in around me. I know that I can not go through what I am much longer and I am desperately searching for a solution and a way out of this hole that I have fell head first into.
A discussion among my study group last night about marriages and how they should be and what makes a happy marriage left me so broken. The words, "I look around and I see these unhappy people. Why don't they just get out?" echoes and rattles around in my head.
Getting out is where I'm headed. Getting there is wearing me down. I cry all the time now. I can't seem to organize anything and my focus is never where it should be.
A friend asks me all the time if I'm okay. I lie and tell them I am but inside I'm dieing and I know I'm not okay but because I don't feel that I should burden them with my problems, I say I'm fine. I'm sure if they could actually see me when they ask they would know I'm not okay but if I keep them at a distance I can keep them from seeing.
I never even made it home last night and the fighting started. We stayed late at study session because we got to discussing marriages and personal life and when I called to say I was heading home the accusations started. Earlier, when I left Applebee's from having dinner I was questioned why I was still there and just leaving. I can not live inside those conditions. When the trust is gone, so is the marriage. I lived for 12 years and never accused him of having anything and it would have been so easy for him because he was everywhere.
Little things over time have made a mountain. A mountain that has grown and divided us. At one time, I would have climbed the mountain. Now, I look at it, walk away, then look back for any signs. All I can see is hurt and I push farther on. The forest is looming before me and I cringe at the unknown. Somewhere in the midst of all those trees lies a meadow. If I can just reach it, I will feel it envelope me and then and only then will I be able to rest and finally feel at home.
A discussion among my study group last night about marriages and how they should be and what makes a happy marriage left me so broken. The words, "I look around and I see these unhappy people. Why don't they just get out?" echoes and rattles around in my head.
Getting out is where I'm headed. Getting there is wearing me down. I cry all the time now. I can't seem to organize anything and my focus is never where it should be.
A friend asks me all the time if I'm okay. I lie and tell them I am but inside I'm dieing and I know I'm not okay but because I don't feel that I should burden them with my problems, I say I'm fine. I'm sure if they could actually see me when they ask they would know I'm not okay but if I keep them at a distance I can keep them from seeing.
I never even made it home last night and the fighting started. We stayed late at study session because we got to discussing marriages and personal life and when I called to say I was heading home the accusations started. Earlier, when I left Applebee's from having dinner I was questioned why I was still there and just leaving. I can not live inside those conditions. When the trust is gone, so is the marriage. I lived for 12 years and never accused him of having anything and it would have been so easy for him because he was everywhere.
Little things over time have made a mountain. A mountain that has grown and divided us. At one time, I would have climbed the mountain. Now, I look at it, walk away, then look back for any signs. All I can see is hurt and I push farther on. The forest is looming before me and I cringe at the unknown. Somewhere in the midst of all those trees lies a meadow. If I can just reach it, I will feel it envelope me and then and only then will I be able to rest and finally feel at home.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Life...
Sometimes we are given second chances. I believe the Lord does this so that we may correct the mistakes we made previously and get us back on track. But, what if the correction makes another mistake, or maybe not so much as a mistake but hurt and sorrow.
I am at a place in my life, currently, that a correction stands before me. Do I try to correct what is wrong or do I continue to plod on down the course that I had previously chosen. I wish that the "right-or-wrong" was more black and white than what it appears. More lives and more feelings than just my own will be hurt.
I want to be me. Me, who is she? Well, I used to know. A friend told me the other night, "Gina, that's not like you." Gosh, what do you say to that? I used to be strong, confident and full of life. Now...not so much. EXCEPT, when I am in class. When I hit the campus, I am the girl I used to be. I had a teacher tell me the other night, "You are gonna make one hell of a nurse. You're confident in your answers and you work on the problem until you figure it out. You just have that confidence about you." That was a great compliment.
The last week has been one of inner turmoil. I've recaptured a part of me that was gone. I can only compare how I'm feeling to watch a flower blooming. Ever so slowly, I'm opening back up. There is sunshine in my life again, if only for a moment. A piece that seems to be the one I've been missing is peaking out. Maybe, just maybe, I will be complete...someday.
I am at a place in my life, currently, that a correction stands before me. Do I try to correct what is wrong or do I continue to plod on down the course that I had previously chosen. I wish that the "right-or-wrong" was more black and white than what it appears. More lives and more feelings than just my own will be hurt.
I want to be me. Me, who is she? Well, I used to know. A friend told me the other night, "Gina, that's not like you." Gosh, what do you say to that? I used to be strong, confident and full of life. Now...not so much. EXCEPT, when I am in class. When I hit the campus, I am the girl I used to be. I had a teacher tell me the other night, "You are gonna make one hell of a nurse. You're confident in your answers and you work on the problem until you figure it out. You just have that confidence about you." That was a great compliment.
The last week has been one of inner turmoil. I've recaptured a part of me that was gone. I can only compare how I'm feeling to watch a flower blooming. Ever so slowly, I'm opening back up. There is sunshine in my life again, if only for a moment. A piece that seems to be the one I've been missing is peaking out. Maybe, just maybe, I will be complete...someday.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I want...
This post comes from a combination of things. Yesterday, I was reading the student website set up by Ms. A. (Yes, I know I'm not in her class this semester but she has such an impact on my life that I like to go see what she has her new batch of students up to.) Since not many had posted on her comments section, I decided to post. (I'm sure I wasn't supposed to but I felt like helping out.) She had talked about "listing". Her listing was post comments and start with, "I believe..." to which I replied...
I believe…
in love at first sight.
that love is worth climbing out on a limb for.
that true love never ends.
that God give us second chances to change the mistake we made the first time.
that true friends are like the seasons, they may go away for awhile but they always come back when its time.
I also got a horoscope yesterday. (No, I do not believe in these things but it was extremely uncanny that it came when so much is going on in my life and it parallelled it.) So sometime around 3 or 4 this morning I woke up and started thinking about the last part which read, "what truly matters to you in love." So here I go.
I want...
someone that loves me unconditionally.
someone that when I'm watching a "sappy, chick flick" will put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.
someone that will slow dance with me in the kitchen.
someone that doesn't tell me to shutup when I sing with the radio.
someone to walk with in the evening and listen to the whippoorwills, crickets and frogs.
someone that picks a bouquet of wildflowers, "just because".
someone that can't sleep in the middle of the night because they realize I'm not beside them.
someone that takes the time to come see me when I have to stay in hospital for three days and doesn't call for a 25 minute conversation because they are working in Branson and it's too far to drive.
someone to cook with me and occassionally for me.
someone that knows me inside and out.
someone that doesn't have to have the tv on the minute he hits the door or wakes up and that pays more attention to what I have to say than to it.
someone that believes long, deep kisses are for more times than just when you're in the mood.
someone that shoulders as much responsibility as me.
someone that says, "I'm sorry" when he's wrong.
someone that doesn't always have to be right and doesn't go out of his way to prove me wrong, even if I am.
someone to take care of me on the rare occassion that I get sick.
someone to make me feel safe.
someone that believes in give and take.
someone that doesn't feel the need to guilt you into a decision.
someone that makes me laugh.
someone that doesn't pretend to be something they are not.
These are the things that I would look for. They are mostly little, sentimental things but the little things,those silly, trivial, little things, fill in the voids the big pieces can't cover. I'm sure to some these may seem stupid and trivial but this is what I think. These are my things and yours may be different, but that is when you need to know if your things and their things make a whole instead of just a bunch of pieces. I have came to realize that if your pieces don't fit, then you're just like an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle. You may have some pieces that join but in the end you still don't go together and become complete.
I believe…
in love at first sight.
that love is worth climbing out on a limb for.
that true love never ends.
that God give us second chances to change the mistake we made the first time.
that true friends are like the seasons, they may go away for awhile but they always come back when its time.
I also got a horoscope yesterday. (No, I do not believe in these things but it was extremely uncanny that it came when so much is going on in my life and it parallelled it.) So sometime around 3 or 4 this morning I woke up and started thinking about the last part which read, "what truly matters to you in love." So here I go.
I want...
someone that loves me unconditionally.
someone that when I'm watching a "sappy, chick flick" will put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.
someone that will slow dance with me in the kitchen.
someone that doesn't tell me to shutup when I sing with the radio.
someone to walk with in the evening and listen to the whippoorwills, crickets and frogs.
someone that picks a bouquet of wildflowers, "just because".
someone that can't sleep in the middle of the night because they realize I'm not beside them.
someone that takes the time to come see me when I have to stay in hospital for three days and doesn't call for a 25 minute conversation because they are working in Branson and it's too far to drive.
someone to cook with me and occassionally for me.
someone that knows me inside and out.
someone that doesn't have to have the tv on the minute he hits the door or wakes up and that pays more attention to what I have to say than to it.
someone that believes long, deep kisses are for more times than just when you're in the mood.
someone that shoulders as much responsibility as me.
someone that says, "I'm sorry" when he's wrong.
someone that doesn't always have to be right and doesn't go out of his way to prove me wrong, even if I am.
someone to take care of me on the rare occassion that I get sick.
someone to make me feel safe.
someone that believes in give and take.
someone that doesn't feel the need to guilt you into a decision.
someone that makes me laugh.
someone that doesn't pretend to be something they are not.
These are the things that I would look for. They are mostly little, sentimental things but the little things,those silly, trivial, little things, fill in the voids the big pieces can't cover. I'm sure to some these may seem stupid and trivial but this is what I think. These are my things and yours may be different, but that is when you need to know if your things and their things make a whole instead of just a bunch of pieces. I have came to realize that if your pieces don't fit, then you're just like an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle. You may have some pieces that join but in the end you still don't go together and become complete.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friends, apologies and life
Who knew that an apology would lead to so many confessions that should have came out years ago?
I have been in such a turmoil for two days. My heart feels broken; shattered in a million pieces. My brain has been collectively going through files and digging pieces of this and that out constantly until my head feels like it has swelled and is on the point of explosion. And my eyes, so many tears have fell in two days time that they feel like sandpaper. I'm not sure I could muster a smidgeon of fluid from them if I had to.
"What-could-have-been" is four words that I'm not sure I will ever hear and be able to get past again. "I wish you would have." will echo in the hollow corners of my brain for days and months. I know that, eventually, the conversation that I shared with a friend will fade but I also know that in my heart he will always be one of the most special people that I have ever known.
One reaction from me could have changed my whole life path but better communication between the two of us could have changed both of ours. Now, as I sit here writing, I realize how important it is that you should share your feelings about someone with them instead of keeping them to yourself. Yeah, you may get hurt but knowing now what I know, I wish I would have taken that chance. To borrow a quote from a friends Facebook page, "True love doesn't have a happy ending because true love never ends."
God has a plan for each of us. He brings people into our lives and he takes them away. I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that will support me even when I have so many negative people that don't and I am fortunate that he brought a true friend back into my life again.
I have been in such a turmoil for two days. My heart feels broken; shattered in a million pieces. My brain has been collectively going through files and digging pieces of this and that out constantly until my head feels like it has swelled and is on the point of explosion. And my eyes, so many tears have fell in two days time that they feel like sandpaper. I'm not sure I could muster a smidgeon of fluid from them if I had to.
"What-could-have-been" is four words that I'm not sure I will ever hear and be able to get past again. "I wish you would have." will echo in the hollow corners of my brain for days and months. I know that, eventually, the conversation that I shared with a friend will fade but I also know that in my heart he will always be one of the most special people that I have ever known.
One reaction from me could have changed my whole life path but better communication between the two of us could have changed both of ours. Now, as I sit here writing, I realize how important it is that you should share your feelings about someone with them instead of keeping them to yourself. Yeah, you may get hurt but knowing now what I know, I wish I would have taken that chance. To borrow a quote from a friends Facebook page, "True love doesn't have a happy ending because true love never ends."
God has a plan for each of us. He brings people into our lives and he takes them away. I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that will support me even when I have so many negative people that don't and I am fortunate that he brought a true friend back into my life again.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Can someone help me?
I don't know where to begin. Years ago, I made a mistake in not being there for a friend. I was too busy with a new life and when this person needed me, I wasn't there. So many times I have looked back and wondered what would have happened if I would have been there. I'm sure there were others that I wasn't there for but this one person has haunted the corners of my mind for ages.
I ran across that person the other day on the internet. I made a few comments on their page and they did the same in return. All the while, I wondered, "Do they remember me?" I got my answer. They do. Now, do I say, "I'm sorry." Do I try to apologize for something that maybe they don't remember and they will think I'm crazy for even worrying about? Or, do I clear my conscience and let this person know what they really meant to me and how ashamed I am for not being the friend that they needed? Should I link my blog and hope that when they read this, they will know I'm talking about them?
I could use some help or reasoning if anyone wants to share.
I ran across that person the other day on the internet. I made a few comments on their page and they did the same in return. All the while, I wondered, "Do they remember me?" I got my answer. They do. Now, do I say, "I'm sorry." Do I try to apologize for something that maybe they don't remember and they will think I'm crazy for even worrying about? Or, do I clear my conscience and let this person know what they really meant to me and how ashamed I am for not being the friend that they needed? Should I link my blog and hope that when they read this, they will know I'm talking about them?
I could use some help or reasoning if anyone wants to share.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A Busy Summer
As I only got out of summer school a few weeks ago, my summer vacation has been spent in a blur. The last day of finals I came home and sighed a big sigh of relief. I had made it through an action packed eight weeks of chemisty, got an "A" on the lab practical and finished the class with an "A". I slipped a little in Nutrition and got a "B". I deserved it because I could never, no matter how hard I tried bring my grade above the 89% I carried the whole semester in there. So I am a bit discouraged that I have lost my perfect 4.0 GPA.
Then, I got up Friday, got a haircut, came home and finally decided I should start packing. Nothing like waiting to the last minute, but that's me when it comes to these kind of things. I find I'm usually more on top of it when I wait and I don't leave anything behind. As I was packing, Steve and Dave dropped by and brought me a fish sandwich from the Louisburg Picnic.
I found the fish sandwiches this year were not nearly as good as previous years. Probably because the original "secret" recipe has long since passed with the elders of the community down there. On the sandwich I received, the fish didn't even cover the bun that it was on. It was disappointing but I had bigger fish to fry in finishing packing.
Steve surprised me coming home a few hours later. He decided we would leave earlier than his anticipated time of 5:30 or 6:00. This worked out very well as we had to run by Sam's Club and Bass Pro on the way through Springfield and we still made it out of Springfield before 6:00. We had a really good time travelling out to New Mexico. Steve sung and entertained us most of the way across Oklahoma that night. We were all pretty lighthearted and ready for the week ahead. We stopped in Woodward, Oklahoma that night. The motel was not necessarily the cleanest but it gave us a place to lay our heads for much needed sleep at 2:00 in the morning. We got up around 6 the next morning and continued on. We stopped in Guymon, Oklahoma for breakfast a Braum's. I must say it was the worst Braum's we had EVER been in. The floor was disgusting and you had to watch as you walked because it was so slippery that you felt like you were on ice. The food wasn't the greatest either but it filled our bellies and we were off once more.
As we entered New Mexico, nothing really changed much for a few miles. Then as we started our ascent after going through Clayton we could see the tops of the mountains. Antelope were plentiful along our last hour of driving. As we entered Raton, the Sangre de Cristo mountain range loomed in the background. Our Microtel was easily accessible but not available to check into when we first arrived. We met up with the Johnson family for lunch at Arby's which was about the same as the Braum's in Guymon. Also the prices were totally outrageous. It was eight dollars for a combo meal!!!
We went for a drive that afternoon, after stopping at the Visitor's Center. We found the Whittington Center. When the Cook family arrived we took another drive up Hwy 555 to find an abundant herd of elk and numerous mule deer.
Sunday, we practiced and sighted in the guns. Due to the elevation change and the air being thinner the ammunition flies much different than with the thicker air here in the Ozarks.
Sunday night, as the Junior team had gathered in the Coach's room to go over what they could shoot and their limits for the Safety trail we received word that one of the team members lost his Grandpa. The mood changed tremendously as we waited for more information and what was going to happen. Austin decided to stay and compete as long as they could leave and get home in time for the funeral. His dad flew out the next day after opening ceremonies.
The rest of the week was spent scurrying here and there trying to get all eight events done in time for Austin to leave. Each afternoon we became accustomed to a torrential downpour that lasted 30 minutes to an hour. We had hail on Wednesday and didn't get to finish up like we had planned so were on the range early on Thursday. The boys had to finish up orienteering and then do shotgun. We got Austin and his mom on the road before noon, though.
We road tripped up Trinidad, Colorado that afternoon and got our Colorado Small Game Permits for Saturday's prairie dog hunt.
We got back and Terri, Marilyn and I went to the laundry mat to do some laundry. I had packed enough that I really wouldn't have had to do laundry but the Junior and Senior teams wanted to match for closing ceremonies.
The boys done a fantastic job for being a rookie team and with one team member that had a lot of other things on his mind. James-Michael, as an individual won first place in rifle. James-Michael and Tanner, as individuals took first and second place in orienteering and as a team the Junior Division boys won first place in orienteering. I was a VERY proud mom!
This past week I have played a LOT on Facebook and not got a whole lot done. I did reunite with an old friend. A friend that while they were there I didn't realize what I had until it was too late.
I went to Welcome Day yesterday at OTC. I picked up my books and saw the bright, smiling faces of the new incoming freshmen. I listened to a mom and daughter fight over a cell phone as I stood in line waiting for my books. I smiled inwardly. Lots of parents were there with their children.
I remembered that this is a big step for them. One that I didn't make until January of this year and I'm just a wee bit too old to have someone hold my hand BUT it sure would be nice at times.
So here we go....Fall semester has arrived and I am 10 credits from being a sophomore!!!
Then, I got up Friday, got a haircut, came home and finally decided I should start packing. Nothing like waiting to the last minute, but that's me when it comes to these kind of things. I find I'm usually more on top of it when I wait and I don't leave anything behind. As I was packing, Steve and Dave dropped by and brought me a fish sandwich from the Louisburg Picnic.
I found the fish sandwiches this year were not nearly as good as previous years. Probably because the original "secret" recipe has long since passed with the elders of the community down there. On the sandwich I received, the fish didn't even cover the bun that it was on. It was disappointing but I had bigger fish to fry in finishing packing.
Steve surprised me coming home a few hours later. He decided we would leave earlier than his anticipated time of 5:30 or 6:00. This worked out very well as we had to run by Sam's Club and Bass Pro on the way through Springfield and we still made it out of Springfield before 6:00. We had a really good time travelling out to New Mexico. Steve sung and entertained us most of the way across Oklahoma that night. We were all pretty lighthearted and ready for the week ahead. We stopped in Woodward, Oklahoma that night. The motel was not necessarily the cleanest but it gave us a place to lay our heads for much needed sleep at 2:00 in the morning. We got up around 6 the next morning and continued on. We stopped in Guymon, Oklahoma for breakfast a Braum's. I must say it was the worst Braum's we had EVER been in. The floor was disgusting and you had to watch as you walked because it was so slippery that you felt like you were on ice. The food wasn't the greatest either but it filled our bellies and we were off once more.
As we entered New Mexico, nothing really changed much for a few miles. Then as we started our ascent after going through Clayton we could see the tops of the mountains. Antelope were plentiful along our last hour of driving. As we entered Raton, the Sangre de Cristo mountain range loomed in the background. Our Microtel was easily accessible but not available to check into when we first arrived. We met up with the Johnson family for lunch at Arby's which was about the same as the Braum's in Guymon. Also the prices were totally outrageous. It was eight dollars for a combo meal!!!
We went for a drive that afternoon, after stopping at the Visitor's Center. We found the Whittington Center. When the Cook family arrived we took another drive up Hwy 555 to find an abundant herd of elk and numerous mule deer.
Sunday, we practiced and sighted in the guns. Due to the elevation change and the air being thinner the ammunition flies much different than with the thicker air here in the Ozarks.
Sunday night, as the Junior team had gathered in the Coach's room to go over what they could shoot and their limits for the Safety trail we received word that one of the team members lost his Grandpa. The mood changed tremendously as we waited for more information and what was going to happen. Austin decided to stay and compete as long as they could leave and get home in time for the funeral. His dad flew out the next day after opening ceremonies.
The rest of the week was spent scurrying here and there trying to get all eight events done in time for Austin to leave. Each afternoon we became accustomed to a torrential downpour that lasted 30 minutes to an hour. We had hail on Wednesday and didn't get to finish up like we had planned so were on the range early on Thursday. The boys had to finish up orienteering and then do shotgun. We got Austin and his mom on the road before noon, though.
We road tripped up Trinidad, Colorado that afternoon and got our Colorado Small Game Permits for Saturday's prairie dog hunt.
We got back and Terri, Marilyn and I went to the laundry mat to do some laundry. I had packed enough that I really wouldn't have had to do laundry but the Junior and Senior teams wanted to match for closing ceremonies.
The boys done a fantastic job for being a rookie team and with one team member that had a lot of other things on his mind. James-Michael, as an individual won first place in rifle. James-Michael and Tanner, as individuals took first and second place in orienteering and as a team the Junior Division boys won first place in orienteering. I was a VERY proud mom!
This past week I have played a LOT on Facebook and not got a whole lot done. I did reunite with an old friend. A friend that while they were there I didn't realize what I had until it was too late.
I went to Welcome Day yesterday at OTC. I picked up my books and saw the bright, smiling faces of the new incoming freshmen. I listened to a mom and daughter fight over a cell phone as I stood in line waiting for my books. I smiled inwardly. Lots of parents were there with their children.
I remembered that this is a big step for them. One that I didn't make until January of this year and I'm just a wee bit too old to have someone hold my hand BUT it sure would be nice at times.
So here we go....Fall semester has arrived and I am 10 credits from being a sophomore!!!
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